On The Road Again

While I was travelling this week, I was also trying to resolve an issue/question about a Visa required for my next trip. After about the 4th day on the Visa issue, this little giggle appeared in my in box. Real or not - its funny:

Dear Sir,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamned passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this xxxxxxxx! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my xxxxxx address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal xxxxxxxx working there! Look at my damned picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for xxxx sake. I just want to go and park my xxx on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a xxxx whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another xxxxxxx copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damned easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the xxxxxxx place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some xxxxxxx to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (xxxxxxx morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate xxxxxx Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 . I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST xxxxxxx CHINA!

David Pidcock
AZ Golf Bum

Batshit Crazy?

Last December, Babs posted some random thoughts and OCD kinds of things about her life - some of them really cracked me up. I got to thinking about that post whilst on a long drive today. So, I join Babs in her in quest to understand is there a difference between OCD, crazy, and full-on batshit crazy? And where do I fall on that continuum?

I have a pathological fear of thirst - I cannot get into the car, or leave the house, without a beverage. I also have a bladder the size of a teaspoon, which is incompatible with the whole thirst thing. Today, I packed 3 diet cokes and two green teas for a 3.5 hour drive. I had to use the restroom before I got past Wilmington (don't get me started on bathrooms!). Hell, maybe I'm just diabetic.

I become disoriented and unable to function when I don't have lip gloss, lip stick, or chapstick on. And I don't mean maybe! I would tear through a wall to get to chapstick if necessary. I was at dinner tonight with 3 male colleagues and could think of nothing other than how can I glop on a heap of lip gloss without looking out of place or pornographic. If I were stranded on an island and had to choose between flint and chapstick - I'd take the chapstick handsdown. I am that passionate about well-hydrated lips.


I cannot get out of bed when the numbers on the clock are anything other than 0 or 5.
6:00, 6:05, 6:10 - all o.k. - 6:04, 6:07, 6:19 NEVER!
It can sometimes take 30 minutes or more until I open my eyes on a 0 or 5.

I cannot throw out a button. I am compelled to save all buttons I find. What will I do with all these buttons - Idunno! Maybe we'll have a button-base currency some day and you will all be jealous of my button hording then.

I cannot stand dirty hands - mine or anyone elses. Dirty fingernails are the worst. Please, encourage handwashing whenever possible.

When I am on a plane, I MUST watch and listen to the whole emergency announcement given by the flight attendant - EVERY LAST WORD - failure to do so will most certainly result in a crash.

Perhaps I am only mildly touched.

Here are a few people I think are batshitcrazy:

Poster boy for why you should wear a helmet when you ride a motorcycle

Ms. Crack Is Wack herself

He is undeniably crazy and she must be too for marrying him



One word - Glitter

Yo! Its Milton Street!

Summertime. The Fish Are Jumping

... and the livin' aint easy. Yo daddy aint rich, and yo momma looks like a ball of sweat

Dang! Its hot. And everybody is sayin' so. Here are just some of the things I've heard in the last 48 hours:

In the 'hell' theme - "Its hotter than hell" "Its hotter than heck", "Its hotter than hades"

Piss made a showing with "Hotter than piss", and "Hotter than piss on tar"; closely followed by many "Holy shits, its hot"

Damn, dang, and darn were well represented; as were the muthas. I heard lots of "Hotter than a mutha" this and that.

Sin, and those who commit them, were my favorites so far. "Its hotter than blue sin" (is blue sin the hottest, like blue flame?). "Its hotter than Satan's crotch" And my favorite "Hotter than a Bangkok whore on Sunday".

Happy Birthday S and B!

Yesterday, Sean and Bridget turned six years old.

It was a hot Thursday in June the day they were born and it was a HOT Saturday in June when we celebrated their sixth birthday (97 degrees I'm told).

We had a knights and princess themed birthday - choices are limited folks when you have B/G twins and want to do the party together.

Bridget was "Lady Sand of Castle"; Sean was "Sir Money of Bags" - how appropriate for them both.

The images I captured are weak to say the least; but you have to make choices - be in the moment, or get good pix.

Gallery of pix here. Hit the >> to get past the intro, and then click on each thumbnail to see the images.

At least neither of the kids is like Adam Grossman

"Round" Is A Shape!

Therefore, I conclude, I am in shape

Received this today from Krista. An oldy, but goody (the joke, not Krista - she's a goody, just not an oldy)


Q.I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. (exactly!)

Q: Is g getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! (I am in shape!)




AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

I Know Its Not Halloween

But quite frankly, we never let that stop us for indulging in costumes before.

I was cleaning up tonight and came across a stash of good stuff.

For those who may not have known Babs (Lisa), Shue (Sue), Fuzz, Cara - or the modern day freak show of friends we had in Philly - we all (ALL) like costumes. We especially liked costumes on Halloween (we'd spend WEEKS preparing); but 2-3 beers on any given afternoon or evening was all it took.

Lisa combines her too favorite holidays - Christmas and Halloween

Sue - why didn't you wear a costume for Halloween this year?

(Pregnant-drunking-smoking Shue and whoever)

Just one afternoon at my house

(Fuzz, Shue, Me, Babs)

Babs and Cara had the BEST costume parties

(I forget that freaks name, Babs, Babs sister, me, and random peeps)

Shue! Who is that?

(Shue and....)

Formal Michael Jackson Skunk?

(Cara)

Joey Bagadonuts and Vinnie Boombots

(Phil and someone. It took ~ 30 minutes for people to figure out who this was - and even then, they had to avert their gaze because it was so disturbing)

Yo! Vinnie! Get yur hands off Joey!

(I like the beer can resting on the gut)

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Peace. Out.